My husband and I met a couple of mates for a catch up yday.  They're both working in offices. He used to chef with my husband and she was an artist.  He was talking about something happening with a colleague who wasn't "doing a good job" and how it's probable that he won't be supported and will be strategically removed.  He said that corporate work is like working under a death stare.  Gave me fucking chills honestly.  By the end of the convo his partner - the artist - was like omg why am I working in an office  And I know we all can't just go be artists forever the end  Like just quit your job and be an artist it's so easy lol I'm also not gonna pretend there aren't down sides to purpose work especially for my chef/restauranteur other half who's work life balance has been a joke since the get go. BUT what I am saying is that it really cemented for me why I will never trade purpose for security. I am saying that standing in the fire of "no security" has a HUGE pay off when you resolve to stay in it. And cutting off a piece of your soul in exchange for security just... costs. And it keeps costing you.  It costs you life force and aliveness.  It costs you meaning. And it costs you the transformation and inner freedom that only unleashed creativity and creative service brings about. You can totally have that in the context of a "secure" job But so many people are sitting around in offices and corporate jobs feeling like they are doing absolutely fuck all with their lives - And I'm not even necessarily talking about it in terms of paying bills here anyway. I'm talking about everything that goes uncreated and unshared for the sake of staying protected. For the sake of not failing in front of the world. Not being critised or judged. It costs you when you get to the end of your life and you have this immense back up of everything you second guessed and didn't express or create and you can hardly bare to look at it because it is so enormous.  And it's never too late to start. I don't care how old a person is.  Just don't sell your soul to "security" because it does not fucking exist.  Security is one of the greatest illusions as were ever sold. #nostr #pleb #artist

Thank you ❤️

Oh I'm sorry. That is shit 😐

Thank you fren ❣️

I played piano at an open mic night last night. I’ve played in front of people twice before. Once at my best mates wedding a decade ago. That was the thing that made me actually learn instead of the half cocked tinkering I was doing up until that point. And the second time maybe seven-ish years ago at an arts event, I played a song I composed with a contemporary dancer. I’ve avoided it because the fear is so intense. As soon as I look at the keys it’s like they melt together. Was literally tearing up in the minutes before. Had to inhale ONE TWO THREE and exhale ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX because if I didn’t my mind was a big storm of WHAT IF I MAKE A MISTAKE AND FREEZE AND HAVE TO SIT THERE IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE IN A FREEZE All of my biggest fears have been to this effect: what if I freeze and lose the capacity to express myself? The notes didn’t melt. I even made a mistake and had to stop and course correct. Laughed it off. It didn’t slam my nervous system into a hole. I stayed in my body. I am so chuffed. #nostr #GM #plebchain #pleblife #facingfear

I think one of the most pervasive conditions among women, is hyper-vigilance.

I used to dream about looming storms and tornados a lot. I found that for me they were linked to emotional weather and the fear of dealing with sudden shifts in my internal state.

Thanks!

Preference is a killer haha

A conversation between two versions of me that I would have liked to have had sooner: Voice 1: I'm confused about belief work and how to do it in a way that actually creates results. It feels like I already know many of the beliefs that I have - or that a part of me has - that are creating the things I don't want or blocking me from the things that I do want, but I don't know what to do with that information. Trying to change it into a better belief feels like I'm pretending.  Voice 2: You don't actually need to do anything here once you've seen the belief.  Voice 1: Nothing?  Voice 2: Technically yes. Because you can see it. Once you see it, it's no longer pulling the strings behind the scenes.  Voice 1: Is this the bit where you tell me to have compassion for that part of me? Because I've tried that too and I don't know how to love something that does not feel lovable. When I try to be loving it feels like a performance. Voice 2: Stop focusing on "being loving" based on your idea of what you think love is. Every attempt that you make to do something about your beliefs comes from a place of seeing them as a threat. So even something as seemingly good as trying to be loving ends up translating to "I think you are wrong and dangerous and I need to do something about you. Because you're stopping me from getting what I want."  Voice 1: Ahh. So even when I am trying to do right by myself, I am still rejecting myself. Fuck.  Voice 2: Yeah. And the gift is, you know instantly when that's happening because your body clearly tells you when you're performing self development from a place of self rejection. It feels fucking awful. You feel fucking awful.  Voice 1: So what can I do in that place? I always feel like I blew it.  Voice 2: You didn't blow it. You exposed it. You only need to stop and recognise it. You'll feel some pain for a bit. You'll feel the pain of the override alarm sounding and you'll feel the pain of the part that is in self judgment for overriding. It'll pass. Go take care of yourself. Don't make decisions or try to figure out any aspect of your life. The body is perfectly capable of discharging what got kicked up without your interference. Repeat that as many times as you need and you will feel better and better. New beliefs will naturally form that you didn't need to go looking for. And then new pockets of unconscious, limiting belief will open on their own too. Voice 1: Okay, so I don't really even need to try to SEE it. I'll see things when I'm ready. And my job is to simply recognise it, without identifying with it as a threat.  Voice 2: Bingo.  #spirituality #pleb #pleblife #beliefwork #nostr