I doubt whether classical education ever has been or can be successfully carried out without corporal punishment.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

I'm fat, but I'm thin inside... there's a thin man inside every fat man.

Early in life I had noticed that no event is ever correctly reported in a newspaper.

Probably the battle of Waterloo was won on the playing-fields of Eton, but the opening battles of all subsequent wars have been lost there.

Power is not a means, it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Myths which are believed in tend to become true.

Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness.

Man is the only creature that consumes without producing. He does not give milk, he does not lay eggs, he is too weak to pull the plough, he cannot run fast enough to catch rabbits. Yet he is lord of all the animals.